5 Characteristics Of An Abuser

It's Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  1 in 4 women experience abuse regardless of age, socioeconomic background and race.  Abuse is not only a physical punch to one's body, abuse can also be emotional and financial in nature.

Abuse can be:

• punched walls, screaming, shoving, rage, broken bones
• intimidation, lying, isolation, silent treatment
• emotional manipulation, sexist comments 
• deprivaton of physcial and economic resources
• public humiliation, threats to harm family and take away children
• 
  

I used to believe that abuse was only physical but I learned that abuse can be emotional and not easily recognizable.  Two years ago if someone were to ask if my (then) relationship was healthy, they would have heard a "hell yeah!"  

It wasn't until I found myself living in a shelter for women in domestic violent relationships that I understood violence is not only physical it's also psychological.  To better understand the components of abuse, I've listed a few recognizable attributes of an abuser:

1. The problem with abuse is that it has nothing to do with how the abuser feels, but rather with how they think. 
2. An abuser's problem stems from his/her belief that controlling and abusing his/her partner is justifiable.
3. An abuser is not unable to resolve conflict non-abusively; he/she is unwilling to do so.
4. An abuser does not have a problem with their anger, they have a problem with your anger.  The abuser isn't abusive because they're angry, they're angry because they're abusive.
5. Although the attitudes and behaviors of controlling and abusive partners may vary somewhat from culture to culture, their similarities greatly outweigh their differences.

It's easy to justify abuse when it happens.  Some of the justifications I made were:

• he didn't have a mother or father . . .
• he really loves me, but I always . . .
• if only I could/would, then he wouldn't . . .
• he doesn't mean to . . .
• if everyone would stop, then he wouldn't . . .
• he's been under a lot of stress . . .
• it's my fault . . .

Ending abuse is a community effort.  With knowledge comes power - we can end abuse!  

For more information or to get  help, please call:

THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE AT 1-800-799-7233

THE NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE AT 1-800-656-4673

THE NATIONAL TEEN DATING ABUSE HOTLINE AT 1-866-331-9474