Shit happens, life is dirty and people suck. We get kicked when we're down, hurt because we speak our minds and rejected for god-knows-what.
It's crap! And I think you catch my sentiment . . . But what I realized about vulnerability is that if we don't do it, we're living a lie.
It's so painful to say and too hard to admit but if I don't admit it to you then my whole spiel is a lie and I'm just another dope. When I was 11 years old my mother molested me. I've tried to hide by ignoring it. And as I am writing this to you, tears are streaming down my face but if I don't let you know the awful truth of this experience, how can I help others?
To have another being touch you without consent violates our own determinism. And my mother, the one who was to protect me, love me, and teach me respect for myself violated my body. As she did so, I left my body and observed the situation because I could not believe this person was doing this to ME.
I had no idea about this place on my body . . . I had not awakened this part of myself - I had not awakened this part of myself and she took it upon herself to do so. The psychological crap that ensues is too long to discuss but let me state this: I believed that my mother would take care of me. I trusted her to respect me and look what happened . . .
Let me come to present time.
People do shitty things and we can't change that. People make decisions that violate our determinism (our will) and bodies. They infringe on our thoughts, discard our efforts, and invalidate our existence.
What I have come to realize - we are too powerful to let the crappy deeds of others slow us down. We have the CHOICE to carry the garbage of others or toss it and move on. It's not easy, but we must do so if we are to live a life of integrity.
I have forgiven my mother. I can be in the same room with her and treat her with love, respect, and compassion. I don't speak ill of her, I pray for her and I always hope the best for her. I had to forge through the muck of that experience so that I could be vulnerable with my kids.
I refuse to let the action of another determine my future relationships. I refuse hold my fiance and my children responsible for what "she" did. I refuse to be bound to guilt, shame, and blame.
I accept the evolution of healing. I determine how I will treat others and to not allow the misdeeds of someone else taint their future with me. I accept vulnerability as a natural state of existence because I have control over me.
We have a choice. A firm commitment to healing and openness is key to survival. Vulnerability is a must if we're to evolve . . .
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