5 Characteristics Of An Abuser

It's Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  1 in 4 women experience abuse regardless of age, socioeconomic background and race.  Abuse is not only a physical punch to one's body, abuse can also be emotional and financial in nature.

Abuse can be:

• punched walls, screaming, shoving, rage, broken bones
• intimidation, lying, isolation, silent treatment
• emotional manipulation, sexist comments 
• deprivaton of physcial and economic resources
• public humiliation, threats to harm family and take away children
• 
  

I used to believe that abuse was only physical but I learned that abuse can be emotional and not easily recognizable.  Two years ago if someone were to ask if my (then) relationship was healthy, they would have heard a "hell yeah!"  

It wasn't until I found myself living in a shelter for women in domestic violent relationships that I understood violence is not only physical it's also psychological.  To better understand the components of abuse, I've listed a few recognizable attributes of an abuser:

1. The problem with abuse is that it has nothing to do with how the abuser feels, but rather with how they think. 
2. An abuser's problem stems from his/her belief that controlling and abusing his/her partner is justifiable.
3. An abuser is not unable to resolve conflict non-abusively; he/she is unwilling to do so.
4. An abuser does not have a problem with their anger, they have a problem with your anger.  The abuser isn't abusive because they're angry, they're angry because they're abusive.
5. Although the attitudes and behaviors of controlling and abusive partners may vary somewhat from culture to culture, their similarities greatly outweigh their differences.

It's easy to justify abuse when it happens.  Some of the justifications I made were:

• he didn't have a mother or father . . .
• he really loves me, but I always . . .
• if only I could/would, then he wouldn't . . .
• he doesn't mean to . . .
• if everyone would stop, then he wouldn't . . .
• he's been under a lot of stress . . .
• it's my fault . . .

Ending abuse is a community effort.  With knowledge comes power - we can end abuse!  

For more information or to get  help, please call:

THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE AT 1-800-799-7233

THE NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE AT 1-800-656-4673

THE NATIONAL TEEN DATING ABUSE HOTLINE AT 1-866-331-9474

Owning Peace

Sometimes when the sun hangs just right and the shadows reach across the room at the right angles, as sense of peace rushes over me.

Peace can be in my child's laugh or the gentleness of a hug or a kiss from the one I love.  It's in the silence of a room or the sight of colors and undoubtedly in a cup of Chai Tea.

Peace is the right of every being and yet, we forfeit this right so often.  It could be the horribly bad driver who cuts us off or the rude sales lady who doesn't realize she's getting paid to be nice.  So often we give up our peace because of someone's fallibility.

So often we idly invest in our peace. It's like a pink elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge but it's there.  It's easy to blame someone or something for destroying our peace, but what if that's our error?  

What if our peace is something we have to make our own?  What if peace is an intentional act on our part and doesn't belong to an external entity?  Ownership means we claim it as ours.  We decide when, who, what and where peace resides.  

If owning peace is the right target, we are then responsible for peace at all times.  

Peace is a right worth fighting for.  It's a conscious effort to be at peace regardless of circumstance.  It takes practice to be at peace and it's so worth it!  It must become the meditation of our heart, the intent of our mind and a willingness to make it happen.  

A worthwhile effort to be at peace begins with a conscious evaluation of what brings you joy.  Write them down, make a mental note and when you find yourself disturbed by others or circumstances . . . intentionally think on those things that bring you peace.

It's worth the fight. 

The Angst of Being Vulnerable

Vulnerability sucks!  Maybe you can agree with me that opening your life to another is down-right scary, but in all honesty, if we are to experience who we truly are and experience another, we must open up.

Shit happens, life is dirty and people suck.  We get kicked when we're down, hurt because we speak our minds and rejected for god-knows-what.

It's crap!  And I think you catch my sentiment . . . But what I realized about vulnerability is that if we don't do it, we're living a lie.

It's so painful to say and too hard to admit but if I don't admit it to you then my whole spiel is a lie and I'm just another dope.  When I was 11 years old my mother molested me.  I've tried to hide by ignoring  it.  And as I am writing this to you, tears are streaming down my face but if I don't let you know the awful truth of this experience, how can I help others?

To have another being touch you without consent violates our own determinism.  And my mother, the one who was to protect me, love me, and teach me respect for myself violated my body.  As she did so, I left my body and observed the situation because I could not believe this person was doing this to ME.

I had no idea about this place on my body . . . I had not awakened this part of myself - I had not awakened this part of myself and she took it upon herself to do so.  The psychological crap that ensues is too long to discuss but let me state this: I believed that my mother would take care of me. I trusted her to respect me and look what happened . . .

Let me come to present time.

People do shitty things and we can't change that.  People make decisions that violate our determinism (our  will) and bodies.  They infringe on our thoughts, discard our efforts, and invalidate our existence.

What I have come to realize - we are too powerful to let the crappy deeds of others slow us down.  We have the CHOICE to carry the garbage of others or toss it and move on.  It's not easy, but we must do so if we are to live a life of integrity.

I have forgiven my mother.  I can be in the same room with her and treat her with love, respect, and compassion.  I don't speak ill of her, I pray for her and I always hope the best for her.  I had to forge through the muck of that experience so that I could be vulnerable with my kids.

I refuse to let the action of another determine my future relationships.  I refuse hold my fiance and my children responsible for what "she" did.  I refuse to be bound to guilt, shame, and blame.

I accept the evolution of healing.  I determine how I will treat others and to not allow the misdeeds of someone else taint their future with me.  I accept vulnerability as a natural state of existence because I have control over me.

We have a choice.  A firm commitment to healing and openness is key to survival. Vulnerability is a must if we're to evolve . . .




 

From Victim to Victimless

“Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” -Gandhi

I LOVED playing a victim! I played the part when I felt attacked by someone or if I wasn't getting what I wanted.  I played the victim when I wanted control or if I felt out of control and vulnerable.  I carried an invisible back-pack of memories and events used at any given moment when I wanted attention or sympathy.

I blamed other people for my circumstances.  I used all the horrific events in my life to justify I am who I am because "they" did this to me.  The stories animated my life - they were the defining moments of who I had become.  Circumstances defined me.

My invisible back-pack contained some of these:

• My daddy left me and that's why I can't love you
• My mom beat me and that's why I'm "cold"
• My parents didn't love me, therefore I don't know how to love
• I grew up in a foster home (please feel pity for me)
• My mom was an alcoholic
• I'm a minority and that's why life is so hard from the "get-go"
• My children's father lied to me for years, so I can't trust you
• 
  

Isn't that pitiful?  Just reading it exhausts me!  I had become a bad re-run.  

All of this came to a stop when I found myself living in a shelter with 3 kids. The situation provided an opportunity for me to stop the destructive behavior, change my perspective and start living life with a new attitude.

Either I was gonna "get busy living or get busy dying."

At any given moment we can use whichever card "protects" us.  Whether it's a bad relationship or sickness . . . we can allow these moments to make us.  

OR . . .

We can change our perspective from self-victimization to self-awareness.  We can take responsibility for our thoughts and actions, and gain control to create life on our terms.

Life is dirty.  People can be unethical, thoughtless and just plain nasty, but we have the choice of how we choose to live.  We can carry the madness with us and use it when we see fit or we can create new experiences.   

You decided how to live.

Change Is Gonna Happen . . .

Change Is A Guarantee And Those Who Can Flow With It Are Free

Change is an inevitable process.  Whether we're prepared or not - it will happen.  Resistance is futile . . . opposing change is a stubborn act; a refusal to live in present time.  Failure to adapt is certain death and although it may not be a physical death, it applies to us spiritually, emotionally, financially, etc.

Almost two years ago, I left an abusive relationship.  For 13 years I promised myself to make it work against all odds.  Regardless of what family or friends advised, I stayed true to my word.  All indicators pointed to the fact the man I was with wasn't faithful and to make matters worse, we have children together.

I was so resistant to change because I feared the unknown, that I wouldn't be loved or that leaving would make me a bad mother.  I was so self-righteous that I ignored the signs of abuse.  I punished myself by striving for perfection. If the dishes weren't washed - I was bad.  If I raised my voice at him - I was bad.

But something happened to me one day.  I was at the store shopping for groceries and I couldn't decide what to buy because I was consumed by what he would say - could I make the right decision without him? And this is when I knew a change was needed.  At some point in our lives, we must accept responsibility for our condition.  It's not easy, but necessary.

A shift in our perception is paramount to seeing life from a new perspective.  We must have a willing heart to see a better vision, accept and forgive the errors we've made and start anew.  Truth will always win and with truth comes change.

Change is simply stopping what you don't want or need and starting again with the new.
What change are you resisting or what change are you ready to make?

Who Am I & How Did I Get Here

Who Is Michelle?

I am Michelle Cox a wife, mother and writer.  I write because I have an urge to share my experiences with other women who hopefully garner wisdom from what I share.  I believe that each of us have a destiny (a predetermined future) which resonates in our hearts and mind and when we are stopped from fulfilling that call, we adopt things that either stagnate our growth or prevent us from going forward.


What Qualifies Me To Help

Nothing in the traditional sense.  And what I mean by that is - I don't have a psychology degree or certificate that "proves" I'm able.  However, I've participated in the school of life and have learned some hard truths about living.  Whether one agrees with my own observations or not is not for me to push; rather, I must be true to the voice in my heart.

I won't go into the gory details of my past, but will share a general overview.  I didn't grow up with my father and for most women who have experienced this, you understand the impact of not having a father figure in your life.  My mother was an alcoholic and had men in-and-out of her life while I lived with her.  Some of these men, along with my mother, sexually abused me.

At the age of 11 I was placed in a foster home which changed the direction of my life.  I grew up in a great environment that provided stability, consistency and great experiences.  I graduated from college, had children, owned businesses and am here today.  Although I grew up in a good home, the foundation of my early childhood affected the fundamental beliefs about myself.

My Mission

It's only good ju-ju to share what you have (whether a little or a lot) and so it is my mission to share the things that have helped turn my life around.

My primary focus is to reach women who have made the decision to end self-destructive behavior and thoughts.  These women have experienced enough drama and have made the changes necessary to take control and manifest the best vision of themselves.

In this transition, support is needed and although most women in this phase of change are not in critical need, they are in need of inspiration to help them re-build a strong foundation.  We all need support in different areas of our lives and I know that what I have learned, I can share.

What You Can Expect

I'm open to any question, topic, or support that is needed.  I only know that I must start a dialogue.  So please feel free to contact me, comment on what I've written (whether you agree, don't or have additional insight).  This is for women who have the courage to create the best vision of who they are.